my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training