If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
dictator is short for richard potato
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.