[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
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I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place