Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
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I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.