When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
fourth time’s the charm
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
nyc:
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.