it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
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Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’m awake but I object,
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye