Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.