{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Don’t touch that.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Twitter fine art
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey