“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Oops
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?