-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
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How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I don鈥檛 mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn鈥檛 need anymore.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren鈥檛 real and that I鈥檓 the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Once I鈥檝e made up my mind about something, there鈥檚 no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It鈥檚 always vodka.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
doctor: i鈥檓 afraid you鈥檙e dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 馃檨
doctor: but we鈥檒l treat you asbestos we can.
me: 馃槀
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My friend鈥檚 band is called Duvet.
It鈥檚 a cover band.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.