me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
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Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Investing in beetcoin
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza