Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.