If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
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Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.