yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like π π π until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isβ¦
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Me: Thatβs a very interesting sculpture
Her: Itβs Mayan
Me: Yes, I know itβs yours. You donβt have to be a jerk about it
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My son just let a girl βborrowβ his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
When someone my age uses the word βharvestβ thereβs a 50/50 chance itβs a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, youβre not 25 anymore
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries