The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
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I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
my fav colour is also hitler
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
good work, detective
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds