e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Message from the dog groomers
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*