I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no