her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
You Might Also Like
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
School be like
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!