Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”