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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Cake safety first. Always.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.