Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Salad is the decaf of food.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My what?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.