Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️