My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
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*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes