I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
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Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.