How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
There is no “we” in pizza
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them