A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I gave up going to work for lent.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
🤣😂🤣
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
buys donuts instead
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please