Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.