5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
The days of good grammer has went
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *