Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s