Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*