Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
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some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
True
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.