Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
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Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
thinking about a very short hotdog
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.