What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.