My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Smells like a challenge to me
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
This is always good for a laugh.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey