Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
me as a parent
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…