I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Cake!!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
There’s never enough good news
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)