[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Cake safety first. Always.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
You’ll be OK
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?