Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
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The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
According to math, I’m broke
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.