I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
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[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
me: my friends:
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.