ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.