Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Respect
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
we all know this pain all too well
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress