They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I need to update my racial profile.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.