Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok