Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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Bread puns are on the rise!
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I occasionally drink every single night.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
A bold strategy
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.