Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck