What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that