One venti cheeseburger please.
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#FunnyLife Insects
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?