boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
podcasts
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
2022: I can fix it
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter