I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.