Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
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When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]